The
True Nature of Love
Part 5: Romantic Relationships
Well,
my column on the True Nature of Love has now become a 6 part series.
The final column in the series will come next month with an article
on "Twin Souls, Souls Mates, and Kindred Spirits."
(This is one I actually promised quite awhile ago, but realized needed
to be set up with foundation information.)
This column will be the one in which I talk about "how to differentiate
between looking outside for the source and combining our energy with
some outside influence to help us access the Source within."
It will really be about all of our relationships with people, places,
and things outside of us but will be specifically focused on Romantic
Relationships - because that is the arena where the greatest growth
is possible in my opinion.
"Romantic Relationships may be the most powerful, meaningful,
traumatic, painful, explosive, heart wrenching single topic for most
people."
"Almost
any "problem" encountered in a Romantic Relationship is
a symptom/effect of some deeper "problem" within our relationship
with our self! And we live in a culture where we are taught
that the "right"/successful Romantic Relationship can make
all those other problems go away! Like, duh, no wonder we have
problems with Romantic Relationships ."
~The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship
"Romantic Relationships are part of the curriculum in this school
of Spiritual Evolution - not the place we find happily ever after.
Life is a journey - it is not about reaching a destination."
~ The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship Part 2
"Codependence Recovery is not self-help. We are being guided.
The Force is with us! The Spirit is guiding us down our path.
Romantic Relationships are one of the most important arenas of Spiritual
growth available to us - it is important to our souls to be willing
to take the risk of Loving and losing."
~ The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship Part 3
It would be good to read the previous articles in this series if you
have not already. I am trying not to repeat myself as much as
possible - but the core issues of the wounding and the healing will
be repeated somewhat. Here are a few quotes from the last
column just to lay a foundation for this one.
"We have to clear up our relationship with
our self in order to see our self clearly before we can start to see
our relationship to other humans clearly. And I want to make
a point right at the beginning of this article that this is a gradual
process of finding a sense of balance - not an absolute destination."
"The
real point that I am trying to make here is that the healing process
is an inside job. No one outside of you can drain you of energy,
or exert power over you, unless it fits into the intellectual paradigm
that your emotional wounds have set you up for. The cords /
chains / threads of energy that connect us to other people connect
us because of our beliefs. By changing the beliefs we can disconnect
from the unhealthy linkage we have to other people. We can then
learn how to connect energetically in ways that are healthy and Loving
- We can learn the difference between healthy interdependence (which
involves giving some power away over our feelings) and codependence."
I
am going to have to put off talking about the details of energetic
clarity in relationship and"how to differentiate between looking
outside for the source and combining our energy with some outside
influence to help us access the Source within" until my next
column (this one is getting too long) in order to to make one point
very clearly here. It was impossible for me to start to get
clear energetically in my relationships with others and life until
I started to have boundaries that told me where I ended and other
people began. As long as I believed that I was responsible for
other people's feelings and behavior I could not start seeing myself
clearly. As long as I was looking to other people for the juice
/ energy / power to feel OK about myself, I was set up to be a victim
and recreate the old patterns.
This is The big paradigm shift. Shifting our intellectual paradigm
- our attitudes, definitions, and beliefs - is necessary in order
to raise our consciousness and open up to consciously accessing the
Transcendent vibrational energy of Love, Light, Joy, and Truth.
I had to stop looking outside for the answers and start accessing
the Truth within. Only when I started to open up to the idea
that perhaps, maybe, I was Lovable and worthy in a way that was not
dependent on outside or external conditions, could I start to let
go of defining myself in reaction to other people and other peoples
belief systems.
In order to get clear on how to connect to others in a healthy way
we must first realize and define how we are separate from others.
On the level of our physical being, our ego-self, we are separate
and need to own that before we can open up to consciously experiencing
how we are connected to everyone and everything. We need to
see our relationship with ourselves clearly in order to see our relationships
to others clearly.
~ The True Nature of Love-part 4 Energetic Clarity
Outside or within ?
So,
how to differentiate between looking outside for the source and combining
our energy with some outside influence to help us access the Source
within.
First of all this, this is not a black and white process. Healing
and getting healthier is a process of increasing the percentage of
the time we are able to be present and emotionally clear in the moment.
And even when we are able to be present and emotionally clear with
ourselves in the moment there are still multiple levels of interrelationship
involved in any interaction. There are always multiple levels
involved in any interaction we participate in. That means, every
moment of the day - in our interactions / relationships both internally
and externally - there are multiple levels coming into play.
Different parts of our being are reacting in different ways to every
type of stimuli we come into contact with. The goal is to be
conscious of as many levels as possible - and to be able to choose
to give the most power to the mature adult within us who is on a conscious
Spiritual Path.
The more we align the intellectual paradigm that is governing our
emotional, experiential responses to life with Spiritual Truth (which
we cannot do without being in the process of healing the emotional
wounds) the higher percentage of our power we are giving to accessing
the Source within rather than looking outside for the source.
There will still be some aspect of any interaction that reacts to
old programming and wounding - some level of looking without - but
the more we heal, the smaller percentage of our reality is being influenced
by those old tapes. As our healing process unfolds and we take
our power back (access the power that is inherent in who we really
are as Spiritual Beings,) we will start responding out of our new
relationship with life intuitively so that we do not even have to
be conscious of the old.
No matter how far along we are in our healing however, there will
still be issues / levels that are more healed than others. There
will always be a new layer of denial to peal off in relationship to
our relationship with some issue. And the way we will uncover
and discover those new levels is to have them triggered by some outside
stimuli.
Romantic relationship is the arena of interaction that produces the
most stimuli in connection with the vast majority (if not all) of
our issues.
To explain this in another way here is a quote from the most recent
chapter of the History of the Universe that is part of Book 1 of The
Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy which is being published in my
online Journal.
"It would not be possible to measure the
level of consciousness of a person on a vertical graph. In other
words, we could not make a graph and number it 1 to 100, and then
figure out where a person scored as far as how high they had raised
their consciousness. The reason this is not possible is because
you have a level of consciousness in relationship to every relationship,
and type of relationship, in your life.
The reason for saying "every" and "every type"
is that there is an energy field of consciousness for both individual
interactions (relationships) and various types of interaction categories.
For example: you may have a level of consciousness in relationship
to: your ex-wife, all women, all blonde women, all women named Shirley,
etc. It depends upon what mental attitudes you are holding and
what issues you have repressed emotional energy in relationship to.
Thus if you were scoring your level of consciousness on a chart -
you would need thousands of charts.
As has been stated, this dance is all about relationships, and Spirituality
is your relationship to self/Self, everyone and everything in your
environment, and the God Force. The point is that there are
a lot of relationships that need healing - consciousness raising in
relationship to - and they all have to do with your relationship with
you. All of the relationships outside are reflections of what
is within, everything is symbolic on some level. There is no
single level of consciousness. Levels of consciousness are relative
in relationship to relationships. Any individual may be high
in some areas and low in others. You may have a high level of
consciousness in relationship to understanding Spiritual Truth or
emotional healing, and a low level in relationship to your relationships
with the opposite sex, or you own body, or whatever.
So, when you consider all of the relationships in your life - to people,
to other life forms, to things, to ideas, to language, to the past,
to nature, etc., etc. - there is a lot of room for growth in your
levels of consciousness. The goal is to become balanced and
integrated in the moment most of the time. A Spiritual being
who is celebrating the human experience as much of the time as possible
by being able to let go of attachment to the illusion and Tune into
the Love that is our True Essence. By doing enough healing to
have the freedom to be in the moment with whatever we are feeling
- which gives us the capacity to tune into the music of Love, Joy,
and Truth more often."
~ The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1 - "In
The Beginning . . ." History VI
The process of healing our wounds and Awakening
to our True Self so that we can integrate Spirituality into all of
our relationships is a very complex and complicated process because
we are complex and complex beings. It is also a very simple
process.
"Codependence causes us to have a distorted and repressed emotional
process, and the only way out is through the feelings. Codependence
gives us a scrambled mind, a reversed dysfunctional way of looking
at ourselves and the world, and we have to be able to use the wonderful
tool that is our mind while changing our attitudes and reprogramming
our thinking.
It seems awfully complicated, doesn't it?
That is because it is!
On another level it is also very simple. It is a Spiritual Dis-ease.
It can only be healed through a Spiritual Cure. It cannot be
healed by only looking at the symptoms. That is backwards."
(All quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance
of Wounded Souls)
So, the point I am trying to make here is this:
It is not about doing relationships right or wrong - black or white
- everything in this human experience involves the interplay of black
and white.
Everything in life falls somewhere in the gray area. What we
are trying to do is bring as much Light into the gray as possible.
Therefore, the goal is to be coming from - in terms of our intentions
and agenda, our perspectives and expectations - as high a percentage
of Light as we are capable of in any given moment. (And because
the great majority of our emotional and intellectual programming empowers
the illusion that we are wounded human beings, we are not able to
be in our Lightest space all of the time.)
As we grow and heal - shift our intellectual paradigm and heal our
emotional wounds - we will raise our level of consciousness, and ability
to be conscious and present, causing a progressive increase in the
percentage of Light and Love that we are owning for ourselves and
therefore capable of reflecting out into our relationships.
The darkness caused by reacting to life out of fear due to our emotional
wounds and negative attitudes will progressively decrease as we open
up to receive the Love, Light and Truth that is available to us. (
That is, as we decrease the areas and levels on which we are still
harboring - consciously or unconsciously - the darkness of denial)
We will all have moments that feel very dark - and others that feel
Light and Joyous. But the more we grow, the Lighter our dark
times become - while our times of connecting with the Light and Joy
are less attached to anything outside of us.
The measure of a persons level of consciousness is not how high they
feel when they are at their most Joyous, but rather how much Light
is still shining through at the lowest moments. The more we
grow, the more moments we are able to stay in (or access) the Joy
and Love no matter what is happening outside of us. The more
we heal the shorter the times that feel dark and painful last.
There will always be some aspect of us (an age of our wounded inner
child, for example) who wants to look outside for validation and Love.
The more we learn to give ourselves that validation and Love, the
less attachment we have to receiving it from outside.
There is no destination. There is no absolute right and wrong.
We are works in process. The goal is progress not perfection.
That is why it is so important to develop a sense of balance - a feeling
for what a balanced, centered, clear space feels like so that we can
recognize it when we are off balance, when we are in reaction (to
old wounds and tapes or reacting to dysfunctional attachments - i.e.
when we are allowing our self worth to be dependent on some outside
situation or agent.)
The key to differentiating between looking outside for the source
and combining our energy with some outside influence to help us access
the Source within is in how we are feeling.
Is there tension and tightness in my body? Is there churning
and turmoil in my gut?
"I can remember the first time in recovery that I was aware
of feeling serenity - it was like, ick, what is this? I feel empty
inside - because there was no turmoil or conflict going on."
~ Joy to You & Me Newsletter II
So the next question then is: am I feeling the tension and the
turmoil because of what is happening now - or because of fears caused
by my wounds from the past. By being in the Loving observer
self we can figure out how much of our reaction is to old wounds and
how much of it is to what is happening right now. If we figure
out that we are reacting to the now out of our fear of the unknown
then we know that we can walk through that fear. If we are feeling
terror, panic, desperate neediness, deep insecurity - then we know
we are reacting out of wounded child places within. The more
that we can observe our inner process from a Loving, wise place, the
more we can feel clear and peaceful about the fear of the unknown
even as we feel it. It is possible to feel peaceful and scared
at the same time - or grateful and sad, or calm and angry. The
more we raise our level of consciousness the easier it is to discern
between the types of feelings we are having so that we have a place
of feeling centered and serene in the midst of an emotional interaction
with another person. We can learn to honor and respect and release
our feelings but we do not have to identify them as our only reality.
We can feel the higher vibrational emotions at the same time we are
feeling the lower - and can learn to discern between them.
In the beginning of our healing it is easiest for most of us to access
serenity and clarity by ourselves in relationship to nature or animals
or people we do not really care about. It is hardest to have
serenity and clarity in our most intimate relationships - because
that is where we have the most at stake, where we are most vulnerable
to getting hurt. That is why romantic relationships are such
a wonderful arena for growth for us, because it is the relationship
that is the most important to most of us.
As we do our emotional healing and change our intellectual paradigm,
we increasingly have a calm place within that we can call on even
in our most stressful moments - even in romantic relationship.
Unfortunately, men in this society have been trained to be codependent
on their work/careers - and have been programmed to be emotionally
dishonest. This results in many men being incapable of emotional
intimacy, and - since their self definition and self worth are focused
on what they do rather than their interrelationships - to not have
the motivation to change.
"Romance means nothing without emotional
intimacy. "In - to - me - see" We can not share
our self with another being unless we can see into our self.
As long as I couldn't be emotionally intimate with myself, I was incapable
of being emotionally intimate with another human being.
It is absolutely vital to learn how to be emotionally honest with
ourselves. It is impossible to have a Truly successful Romantic
Relationship without emotional honesty. (Truly successful being used
here to mean: in balance and harmony between the physical, emotional,
mental, and Spiritual levels of being.) Sex can ultimately be
an empty, barren animal coupling - involving physical pleasure but
really having little to do with Love - without emotional & Spiritual
connection.
This results in one of the major problem areas of many relationships.
Without emotional intimacy many women get turned off to sex and withhold
because their emotional needs aren't being met - and men get angry
because they don't even have a clue of what women are asking for.
~ The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship Part 2
Also unfortunately, due to the imbalanced, patriarchal belief systems
that society is based upon, most men are stuck in an a very immature
place in their relationship with women. Here are a couple
of quotes from an article in the first issue of my journal about the
inner work in relationship to romance.
"An unfortunate consequence of life in
an emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional society that is based on
beliefs that deny men the full range of their emotional being is that
the great majority of men are emotionally immature in their relationships,
not only to women, but also to other men. Most men are stuck
in a horny teenager place - the "Horndog" [a previously
uncharted archetype that Jung missed ;-)] - in terms of how they view
and relate to females."
"In
the inner work the "maiden within" is the part of themselves
that women can set a boundary with so that they do not unconsciously
buy into the set up of believing that they have to have a man in
their life to be OK. That certainly doesn't mean that there
is anything wrong with having a relationship with a man or that
the Prince isn't going to show up (he will definitely have issues
to work through however.) The point is to be conscious about
our choices. If we are reacting unconsciously to subconscious
or genetic programming then we are giving power away and not owning
our choices."
~ The Inner Children that need Boundaries
This last paragraph contains one of the keys to how it is important
to change our intellectual paradigm in order to have more clarity
in discerning whether we are reacting to old impulses or intuitive
Truth.
Everyone has issues. You are never going to meet someone that
does not show some red flags. The goal is to be conscious
and honest with ourselves about those red flags and to not sell
our self out because we want a relationship in our life. Pay
attention and be direct and honest with the other person.
Do not assume, interpret, or mind read - ask if you are not clear.
We are taught in this society to play games. To act a role,
put on our best face, when we are starting to get to know someone.
We are taught to be dishonest in the beginning of a romance in order
not to scare the other person away. Like "duh" how
can we have an honest, healthy relationship if we start off dishonestly.
Some other important points to integrate into our belief system
/ intellectual paradigm so that we can be more discerning and not
set ourselves up:
A
successful relationship is one that we grow from. How long
it last does not have anything to do with it being successful.
(On a Spiritual level there is no such thing as failure - only lessons,
that if not learned will be repeated - nothing shameful, just cause
and effect.) The Cosmic plan may dictate that you are going
to have 4 or 5 more relationships that will teach you different
lessons before you have one that is worth sticking with. To
think that we can go from having dysfunctional relationships to
having a healthy one in one step is silly - and the magical thinking
of the child. This is a process and we are making progress.
Falling in love is a choice - not some trap we have fallen into.
Buying into the belief that we are the victim of loving is a lie.
In working with people who have been in abusive situations and asking
why they have stayed, when the response is "because I love
him/her" - my response is "No, that is not the reason.
What's underneath it? What are you scared of?"
Inevitably, it is something like fear of being alone, or that they
will never have another relationship, or they can't support themselves.
Often we hang onto relationships because we are scared that we can
not trust ourselves to make a better choice. It is important not
to buy into the illusion that we are the victim of love. True
Love is empowering for both people - not debilitating.
If the other person is not involved with healing, is not on some
kind of a Spiritual path, there is really no chance of building
a Truly healthy relationship. You can be healthy in your relationship
to them (hard work but possible) - but if you are looking for a
partner in growth both people need to be willing to do the work.
Intensity and passion are not the same thing. There is a difference
between the feeling of tuning into higher vibrational energy and
an adrenalin rush. Falling in love is a wonderful feeling - a great
high. It is temporary - enjoy it, just do not expect it to
last forever. (That doesn't mean that it has to go away completely
- it does mean that it will go away, and it can then come back again.
But it is not a state that we can get in and stay in permanently.
Expecting it to be a permanent state is dysfunctional and can set
us up to feel victimized - by our self or the significant other.)
The other person (and these, and any relationship dynamics, apply
just as much in same sex relationships as in heterosexual ones)
is helping you to access Love - not giving you something you do
not have within you. It is important to not buy into
the belief that the other person is the ultimate source of the good
feelings.
"You are together because you resonate
on the same wave lengths, you fit together vibrationally,
in such a way that together you form a powerful energy field that
helps both of you access the Higher Vibrational Energy of Love,
Joy, Light, and Truth - in a way that would be very difficult for
either one of you to do by yourself. You are coming together
to touch the face of God. You are uniting your energies to
help you access the Love of the Holy Mother Source Energy.
You are not the source of each other's Love. You are helping
each other to access the LOVE that is the Source."
~ Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment
In order to be discerning in our inner process - to start having
some clarity between reacting to the old impulses and responding
to intuitive Truth - it is very important to change our intellectual
paradigm. But in the moment, the place to focus is on our
feelings - not in our head. It is our heart and our gut that
will tell us which way our path is heading - not our head.
We can do intellectual gymnastics on the right-wrong merry-go-round
forever without getting any clarity. By focusing on our emotional
state from a Loving observer place we can use the magnificent tool
that is our mind to sort out intellectually what is going on.
Right and wrong is not even the functional paradigm. "Will
it be a mistake?" is not a question that is even relevant.
There are no accidents, coincidences, or mistakes. Everything
is unfolding perfectly from a Cosmic Perspective! We are being
guided to the teachers we need, to learn the lessons we have come
here to learn.
There are things that feel like mistakes, and we have made so many
choices that have been painful that we try to avoid making a "mistake."
There are no mistakes - only lessons! Pain cannot be avoided.
What we do have the power to change is we can learn to take the
shame and judgment out of our internal process. With the shame
removed the pain does not last long and is not as painful as when
we are beating ourselves up for "mistakes."
It is important to realize that we were powerless over the past
and forgive our selves - so that we can be willing to take risks
in the future. That is what this healing adventure is about.
Going boldly where we have never been before - to Love. Love
that is coming from the Source.
Here is what I learned in my last encounter with romance:
"I have learned:
That
when I know who I am and have my self-esteem rooted in my Spiritual
connection then I have nothing to fear from intimacy. I can
be hurt for certain because I will be choosing to give some power
away over my feelings - but hurt is part of life and well worth
the adventure of Loving and Losing.
That it is Truly possible to do enough healing to be able to open
my heart to someone and then not take it personally when the other
person "rejects" me - because I Truly know in my gut that
she is just reacting to her wounds not to some inherent flaw in
my being.
That I can have my worst fear of abandonment and rejection appear
to come true and not give it any power because I do not have to
buy into the disease telling me that it is my fault - that I did
something/said something/am something that is wrong/a loser/a mistake/unlovable/unworthy.
This is such a gift - to know that I can keep the critical parent
shut up and out of the game is Truly an Amazing Miraculous reward
for being willing to do my healing."
~ An Adventure in Romance - Loving and Losing Successfully
Tune
into your feelings. Recognize that if you have an intense
emotional reaction, there is a lot of energy attached, that your
old wounds have been triggered. Then you can process the old
stuff and separate it from the now. Learn to have a healthy,
emotionally honest relationship with your self - and you will start
to trust yourself more. Choose to have a Spiritual belief
system that includes a Higher Power who is so powerful that everything
is unfolding perfectly.
Do the work. Become willing to do whatever it takes to learn
how to Love yourself so that you have the capacity to Love someone
else in a healthy way.
Let go of judgment and shame. Let go of trying to control
life and other people. Let go of thinking you have to do it perfectly.
Let go of thinking in terms of right and wrong.
Learn to have compassion and patience with yourself. Know
that you are being guided and that you do not have the power to
screw up the Great Spirit's plan.
Then just do it. Live. Suit up and show up for life
today. Be in the moment as much as you can. You will
not always be able to be clear. Trust your Spirit to guide
you.
When people ask me how to discern the really gray areas - like:
Is this setting boundaries or being controlling? Is this caring
or codependent? Is this a geographic or am I following Divine
guidance? - what I tell them is to use the short version of the
Serenity Prayer.
First I will give you my adapted version of the Serenity Prayer:
God,
Goddess, Great Spirit,
Thank you for helping me to access:
The Serenity and Faith to accept the things I cannot change (other
people and life),
The Courage and Willingness to change the things I can (me and my
attitudes towards other people and life),
And the Wisdom and Clarity to know the difference.
Now for the short version (slightly cleaned up from how I usually
express it.)
Screw
it. Do what it feels like you need to do. Plunge ahead
- or pull back, whatever your heart and gut tells you is the most
important thing to do. It will be an opportunity for growth
no matter what you decide. It will not be a mistake - it will
be a lesson.
The more you heal, the less power the painful lessons will have
(because you are taking the shame out of the process), and the more
Joy you can tune into. The more you can let go and just live
in the moment in a responsible adult way - the more your spontaneous,
Loving, playful inner self can come out and play (because the more
you trust your Higher Power and the process, the more your inner
children can trust you to protect them.)
The more you align your intellectual paradigm with Spiritual Truth
and heal your emotional wounds, the more freedom you have to be
in the moment no matter what you are feeling. The more that
you can have the faith and courage to walk through the fear, the
more you will take the power away from the fear and start being
Truly free to Live. The more you open up to receive Love and
Joy, the more opportunities you will have to tune into Joy in the
moment - and the more moments you will be able to stay in the Love.
Then you can, in the moment some of the time, learn to Love as
if you have never been hurt.
"The Abundance of Love and Joy that you
can help each other to feel by coming together - are vibrational
levels that you then each will be able to access within yourself.
You are helping each other to remember how to access that Love -
helping each other to remember what it feels like and that Yes you
do deserve it.
It is very important to remember that so that you can Let Go.
Let Go of believing that the other person has to be in your life
. . . ."
"Grab
each moment you can and be present with it.
By being willing to be present to feel the difficult feelings -
hurt, sadness, anger, fear;
by being willing to walk through the terror of embracing life -
the terror that this commitment to intimacy can bring up;
by being willing to take the risk of being abandoned and betrayed
- to take the risk of completely exposing yourself to another being;
you are opening yourself to Joy and Love to depths and on dimensions
that you have only had the slightest taste of so far.
BE each other's sanctuary. Be patient and kind and gentle
whenever you can make that choice.
The more you do your healing and follow your Spiritual path the
more moments of each day you will have the choice to Truly be present
in the moment.
And in the moment you can make a choice to embrace and feel the
Joy fully and completely and with Gusto.
In any specific moment you will have the power to make a choice
to feel the Love in that moment as if you have never been hurt
and as if the Love will never go away.
Completely absolutely unconditionally with fearless abandon you
can embrace the Love and Joy in the moment.
Glory in it!
Loving is the Grandest, most sublime adventure available to us.
Lets your hearts sings together.
Let your souls soar to unimagined heights.
Wallow in the sensual pleasure of each others bodies.
Roar with the Joy of being fully alive.
Go for it!!!!"
~Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment
Love
- The Grandest, most sublime adventure available to us - it is worth
doing the work, it is worth the risk.
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